From the moment we’re born, doesn’t it seem like we spend an
eternity waiting? First, we’re crying
for a diaper change or breast milk, and waiting for the good enough Mommy. Then, gradually, we acquire language and with
it the responsibility of learning patience. We try to be increasingly patient
with slow moving traffic and with elevators that seem to linger on high floors.
How about waiting for our phone calls and emails to be returned, and—of
course—for our checks to arrive? Chill
out and be patient, we tell ourselves. Holding
our breaths, we anxiously wait to hear if our kids are accepted into impossibly
selective nursery schools, high schools and colleges. Everyone waits at the doctor’s office,
sometimes in several different rooms, before we’re seen. Then we wait again –often
in an agony of anxiety—for the results of our medical tests and the eventual,
all-important diagnosis.
What about waiting for lovers to call or (these
days) text back? At some point in our
lives, we can’t help but wait for our beloved to pop the question, answer the
question, break up or make up. And let’s
not even talk about all the time spent waiting just to meet that special someone, whether by chance, through an
introduction or an on-line dating site.
Our
parents have usually taught us an assortment of tired clichés in order to cope
with the frustration and anxiety of waiting.
“The best things in life are worth waiting for.” Hmm, are we sure about that? What if you’re
rejected from the college of your choice, or someone else gets the
job/promotion? Worse still, what if you find out you have a terminal disease?
Clearly, this could be the WORST thing you ever waited to hear (at that
particular moment).
For years I hoped and watched and waited,
yearning for Sarah to overcome her developmental disabilities, lose all the
autism labels, and catch up to her twin brother. At some point, I realized that dream would
never happen. Instead I began to hope
that Sarah would just keep learning and growing, so that eventually she would
progress enough to fulfill her dream
of being an independent adult. (She’s not quite there yet, but there’s still
plenty of time...)
Now I wonder: Is receiving bad news
better or worse than continuing to wait? At least while you’re waiting, there’s
still hope.
One of
my mom’s favorite platitudes is: “He also serves who stands and waits.” As a child, I really hated that one (and still do). What
that adage means is that you can’t (or shouldn’t) do anything to influence the
outcome of an upsetting situation. Doing
(or saying) nothing is your best bet. (!?) Just when you most want to scream or
give advice to your teenager or young adult is probably the moment they are
least likely to listen (at least to you).
In fact, if you try to offer parental warnings or wisdom, your offspring
might ignore you—or worse—do exactly the opposite.
Though counter-intuitive, waiting
is sometimes your best or only course of action. I know, I know, waiting seems like the
antithesis of action. Sometimes waiting
feels like a prison of self-imposed inertia which can easily morph into forms
of passive aggression. For example, if I
remind my son Max to take out the garbage (his only household chore), he might
“forget” or wait until the trash is overflowing with soda cans and water
bottles onto the kitchen floor. If he waits long enough, I might be
sufficiently disgusted to take out the garbage myself, thus relieving him of
the chore. However, it’s equally
possible that I’ll move the garbage into his bedroom—already a mess anyway—to
spur him into action. Two can play the
waiting game.
As I mentioned at the beginning of
my blog, people of all ages wait for things to happen (and not happen) every
day. How many times have you “waited
with baited breath” or “waited for the other shoe to drop?” Worst of all is when you have “the sword of
Damocles hanging over your head.” Something bad is going to happen, and it’s
only a question of time. Sadly, this is
the case for my son. Every six months,
Max must go for a check up on his heart.
After open heart surgery at age three to repair a congenital heart
defect, my husband and I were told there would be some leakage over the course
of Max’s life, which might eventually require another repair. Right now, the leakage is holding steady at
“mild to moderate.” If it gets any
worse, our son will need open heart surgery again. We all try our best not to
think about it during the six months between appointments.
Clearly,
waiting is very much on people’s minds.
On Google, there’s a site called “Brainy Quote,” with 26 pages devoted
to people’s ruminations on waiting. In
addition, there are 213 quotes by the famous and not-so-famous on another site
called “Good Reads.” Here are a few of my favorites: “‘For a while’ is a phrase whose length
can’t be measured. At least by the
person who’s waiting…” by Haruki Murakami, South
of the Border, West of the Sun. The
only thing worse than having to wait “for a while” is when someone says “soon”
and it turns into “awhile.” How many times have you arrived at a restaurant
with a dinner reservation and the maitre’d
assures you that your table will be ready soon, and “soon” turns into 30
minutes? Usually, the hungrier you are,
the longer the wait, right?
If
you’re a baby boomer or even older, perhaps you’ll appreciate what Elizabeth
Taylor (a writer, not the actress) said: “It’s very strange that the years
teach us patience, that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for
waiting.” I think maturity improves our
ability to wait because experience has taught us that we have no other choice. Our lives become busier and more complicated
as we take on more responsibilities at work and at home. In addition to being husbands, wives and
partners, many of us are parents and grandparents. For some of us, who have elderly parents,
the caretaking roles have reversed. Our
parents have become fragile children who depend on us to different degrees. In essence, we have become accomplished
jugglers. We have so many balls up in
the air that we are often busy rushing to catch one before it falls. The
juggling act leaves less time and energy for waiting and worrying
impatiently. Maybe it seems ironic that
I find the time to write this blog, but writing is one of the balls I have
freely chosen to juggle.
My
favorite quote about waiting comes from Lemony Snicket in The Ersatz Elevator: “Are
you ready?” Klaus asked finally.
“No”
Sunny answered.
“Me
neither,” Violet said, “but if we wait until we’re ready we’ll be waiting for
the rest of our lives. Let’s go.”
Some
choices are obviously more difficult to make than others. Sometimes there are reasons to wait for more
information before you make a decision. On other occasions waiting is a bad
idea. One cliché advises you to “look before you leap.” Another warns that “he
who hesitates is lost.” In today’s
gender neutral world, the previous platitude must be amended to “he/she” in
order to be politically correct.
Timing really is everything. Or is
it? If you’re a Taoist, who believes in
the concept of wu wei, then you aspire to a state of “non-doing” or “non-action.”
Wu wei is a state of being in which our actions are effortlessly aligned with
the ebb and flow of the elemental cycles of nature. In other words, wu wei means “going with the
flow,” awake and calm as we become able to respond perfectly to whatever
situations arise. A leader who practices
wu wei is (supposedly) able to rule in a way that creates happiness and
prosperity for all citizens. (Obviously, Taoism has NOT taken root with
American politicians).
Another choice for an aspiring
Taoist is to become a hermit and withdraw from society, meditating in caves and
wandering through meadows in order to be nourished by the energy of nature. Among
Taoists, practicing wu wei is considered to be the highest form of virtue—one that
is completely spontaneous and in no way premeditated. In achieving wu wei, we are in tune with the
rhythms inside and outside ourselves and--realizing our place in the universe--“we
can offer only thoughts, words and actions that do no harm, that are
spontaneously virtuous.” Yeah, right.
Possibly wu wei works if you live in
Nepal or Tibet, but NOT here in the Big Apple. I just looked at my watch, and
it’s time for me to leave my apartment/cave. It’s not nice (or virtuous) to
keep my friends waiting.
Labels: baby boomers, cliches, Damocles, doctors' offices, heart defects, lovers, medical tests, Nepal, on-line dating, passive aggression, patience, Taoism, Tibet, traffic, waiting, waiting rooms, wu wei