Wouldn't
it be great to have such a compelling personality that you could persuade
people to buy your product, adopt your point of view, or follow you to the ends
of the earth? I promise I wouldn’t be a
psychopath, and I’d really enjoy that kind of power. If you’re an empty nester/baby boomer like
me, there may be a growing sense of urgency about writing the next chapter of
your life. In the blink of an eye—or so
it seems—children grow up, fly away from the nest, and start their adult
lives.
Now,
you see them. Now you don’t. Poof! Gone!
Since my children are adults (or
trying to be), I’m forced to recognize that I've become (gulp!) an older adult. More time is behind me than ahead of me. Better write the blog, publish the book and
travel to unseen parts of the world with my husband, before I’m TOO old. In other words, hurry up and live your dream,
become a new—and hopefully MORE compelling—person before it’s too late.
What
are the qualities of compelling people that catapult them to success? Answering that question is the subject of Compelling People –The Hidden Qualities That
Make Us Influential, by John Neffinger & Matthew Kohut. Using cutting edge research along with their
own work with businessmen, politicians and Nobel Prize winners, the authors
reveal how people judge and persuade each other. If you want to learn the ins
and outs of succeeding at everything in your life—whether personal or
professional—this book is an informative and interesting (dare I say compelling?) read.
Before
I share my reactions to
Compelling
People, let’s start by looking at some of the definitions
Compelling People for tips on how to
become more charismatic.
of “compelling.”
According to Google, “compelling” means “evoking interest, attention or
admiration in a powerful or irresistible way.” Other synonyms offered are: “enthralling,
absorbing gripping, riveting and spell-binding.” Sounds great, right? Who wouldn’t want to be
riveting and spell-binding? Google’s definition is probably nearest and dearest
to Neffinger and Kohut because it covers all the successful people in their
book, from Martin Luther King, Robert Kennedy and Oprah Winfrey to successful
salespeople, journalists and spies.
However, not EVERY definition of compelling describes positive or
desirable human traits. Let’s take Dictionary.com:
“tending to compel, as to force or push toward a course of action.” (This is sounding more like the psychopath
version.) Or how about Merriam-Webster’s definition: “strong and forceful:
causing you to feel that you must do something.” Not bad, but it sounds awfully close to bullying,
depending on the ethics of the compelling person. Hitler, Osama bin Laden and Jihad
Johnny are compelling AND evil.
Hopefully, future terrorists and criminals will NOT be reading
According
to Neffinger and Kohut’s analysis, compelling people possess an abundance of
two simple (but often conflicting) qualities: strength and warmth. Strength, they say, is the province of people
who “get things done” and the measure of how much an individual can “impose
their will on the world.” Warmth, on the other hand, refers to empathy,
familiarity and love. Achieving the
perfect balance of strength and warmth is a much more complicated endeavor than
you might imagine. It’s much more
difficult—surprise, surprise—to be viewed in a positive light if you’re a
strong woman. (Witness the ups and downs of Hillary Clinton). And, of course, it’s trickier to show warmth
as a man without being perceived as weak.
What’s
best about Compelling People is that
it leads to self-examination. What
moments in your life have you been most successful and compelling? How did you display strength or warmth in the
past, and how might you do so more effectively in the future? I found myself remembering my campaign for kindergarten rep at my son’s elementary school.
After giving an impromptu speech to an auditorium filled with hundreds of
parents I’d never met before, I got elected! Why did they vote for me? Maybe because I was lucky enough to speak
last. I’d had the opportunity to hear the other candidates and learn from their
mistakes. By the time it was my turn, I figured out the best way to deal with
my nervousness: a little self-deprecating humor and a convincing riff about how
my years in public relations would make me a diplomatic and effective advocate
for their children.
An even better example comes to
mind when I recall the way Henry managed to get our daughter, Sarah, accepted
at a special education school where she’d been wait listed. Henry employed the perfect mix of strength
and warmth. Unable to reach the school
directors on the phone to plead for our daughter, Henry showed up at the school
without an appointment.
“Both directors are in meetings,”
he was told. “They won’t see you without an appointment.”
“I’ll wait,” he assured the
receptionist, settling into the waiting room and beginning to read legal
briefs.
An hour later, my husband was reluctantly
ushered in, if only to clear the waiting room. Armed with adorable pictures of
Sarah (warmth) and a promise from a prominent child psychiatrist to offer their
teachers a workshop if they accepted our daughter (strength), Henry pitched a
compelling plea. The result? Our daughter got the first available opening.
Perhaps the best and most enjoyable
examples of compelling people offered in the book are Ayn Rand and the
Beatles. These two are considered polar
opposites. For Ayn Rand and her
followers, strength is everything. Her
view of the world is bleak: “The strong do what they can, and the weak suffer
what they must.” The downside of this philosophy is that power alone can get
things done through force and coercion. That’s
not the world we want to build, is it? People who are all strength and no
warmth may inspire fear and obedience, but they’re unlikely to earn much affection
and love. At the other extreme, are the
Beatles, who rose to fame with songs like “All You Need is Love,” in opposition
to the Vietnam War. While the Beatles
are perhaps, the most successful musical group of all time, plenty of people still
believe nice guys finish last. Alas, I can’t
carry a tune, and I’ll NEVER win the prize for Miss Congeniality. But maybe I
can add a tablespoon of assertiveness and smile more often.
Small gestures count. Many
ingredients contribute to people’s perceptions of strength and warmth,
including: verbal strength, voice, smiles, head tilts, handshakes, eye contact,
and gestures. Even hormones contribute
to the impression we make. More
testosterone makes us seem stronger; oxytocin pumps up warmth. I particularly liked the observations about
Clint Eastwood’s “flinty smile” as a successful balance of strength and warmth.
As a baby boomer, still learning
(and struggling) to manage technology and social media, I found the authors’
suggestions on how to courteously conduct these “conversations” with people in
cyberspace especially helpful. I will
certainly keep their ideas in mind as I continue to blog and tweet. I also particularly appreciated Neffinger and
Kohut’s brief discussion of disability. As a mother of a young woman on the
autistic spectrum, this quote was music to my ears: “Adversity builds character. Someone who
manages to project even a moderate level of warmth and strength in the face of
it is someone we can all admire.” Bravo, to Sarah and all her friends, who bravely
go out into the world with their heads held high. The powers of persuasion
sometimes transcend words.
Labels: autism, Ayn Rand, baby boomers, Compelling People, criminals, disablity, empty nesters, Hillary Clinton, Hitler, Martin Luther King, Oprah, Osama bin Laden, psychopaths, Robert Kennedy, terrorists, The Beatles